i feel so ill, outside, my hands are clapping
My brain is broken
And so are the stars
falling out and cannot climb up, or back in.
They have lost their place.
I feel so ill
outside my hands
are clapping, the windows are open and i feel the air on my mouth as i lick out my tongue
taste vie a vie a vie a life a life a
- outside my hands are
clapping
hands, my bursting open chest
wide open like my mouth
my mouth is open like my eyes were when I entered this world
wet and frightened and covered in my mother's blood
my mother frightened and wet and covered
my head and body away from the world
with her arms in a way that i would not let you
when i grew cold
she did not know it then
the life before then
life before life
the life before life is the same, it is the same as the life we
go to when we
is it the same
as
life after death is the same life
death after life and life after life is the same then
as the life before life
i am outside
and my hands are clapping
my eyelids are heavy
i see the mirror
mirror soul as it should be
life should soul and i
am watching myself
as this house burns
to the ground
as this life burns to the ground
hot
hot i am again
not cold when you offered me your
arms i am now hot without them
Stubborn i was, cold i was, looking
i am watching myself as you turn in your bed
restful you are here
when will you arrive? do i wait or do i go on
knowing i leave everything that meant the most to me,
the most me
to most the
do you feel me
love you?
take my tongue down your cheek, and your neck and underneath your chin
my nails
they scratch you
down your back
i
i am not here you know
you are
though
you are
i watch you sometimes when you sleep
i watch you when you are awake and remember the crease i made in the bed as well
as well as you i used to be here too
you went to hold me wrap your arms
around me too, you remember?
and the whole time i was here i didn't let you touch me
and the whole time i was here i didn't let you touch me
and the whole time i was here i didn't let you touch me
and the whole time i was here i didn't let you touch me
and the whole time i was here i didn't let you touch me
and the whole time i was here i didn't let you touch me
i feel you now
i make you cold
i wanted to kiss you when i knew i was in the life before life
but your lips didn't want mine
you were a task to chase
a task to catch up with
i was so far behind and could never be the picture you
had painted in your mind
wasted your minutes with
and when i got you i had fallen
voices from before,
they said i'd made the decision....... [that i'd been stubborn]
they said i'd made the decision
they said i'd had the choice
(sigh - deep breath expelled here)
i'd never used my body
like the way it was to be lived in, here
i'd never used my body the way it was to be here
i'd never lived in my body
the way i'd lived in this house.
all materials things
all materials things
a bed with one side tucked a beating heart
under skin and veins and warm
the heat only here
the rest cold
the rest cold as i had been
an object
gathering dust
a story only with the projection of
hopes and dreams to soothe down worries
we buy more objects
we are the objects
we hide in the objects
instead of feeling
i tuck myself in the small jewellery box
in the closet and trunk
i fold myself up amongst jewels and clothes
i watch the moths feast bright
i long for torch
that i swing open and burn to the ground
ashes to ashes and ashes on the ground and ashes in a bed and ashes that was
ashes that was you
but you'd smelled the smoke, you'd escaped
and i am alone in the trunk,
i am alone in the dark
i am not lived in
nor decorated, only existing in the reflections of tension that murmur slow
hello, hello hello.
(copyright, er, 2018)